Ring-around-a-rosy

I’m so dizzy. Vertigo reared it’s ugly head this weekend, and I’ve spent the last 3-4 days in bed. As soon as I felt better, I’m on the PC.

No need to tell you how stupid that choice was… 

I’m just so bored of sitting in my room, doing nothing. I haven’t even been able to read properly because of the dizziness.

Just a little update to say that I’m bored, and although I have so much motivation in me, I have a completely blank mind.

I’m now on the 3rd chapter of The Two Towers, so am slowly getting ahead with these books.

Also looking forward to next week’s first pay day in my job 😀
I also have a new tattoo coming up, once the artist gets back to me with their sketch of how I’ve described it (I have tried and ultimately failed when it came to artwork myself. I have to be in a very good zone to do anything like that, it sucks).

I also have a recommendation for my favourite poem, because not only is it a strong piece of work with it’s historical connotations, it makes me feel strong whenever I read it. By a wonderful writer, too:

Maya Angelou – Still I Rise

Hope you are all well 🙂

Love you all,
Tufty
xxx

 

I love you all!

Hello, everyone!

I am completely exhausted from working, that my brain just seems to have blanked out focus, attention, and anything that entertains me. I need to settle into a pattern, give myself something to do, but it’s just not happening at this moment in time!

My post today, is to ask you guys what stuff you like to read – poems, stories, etc. and what is your favourite – why do you like it?

I’ve been rereading The Hobbit, and am just waiting to finish it to reread LOTR, but am looking for other things to read afterwards. I think possibly The Secret Garden, or the first GOT book (had it for more than a year, and it’s just made my bookshelf pretty).

I need to get myself back into the habit of reading often, but this focusing thing is the only thing stopping me!

Otherwise, I hope you are all well, and to remember that you are all loved, and cared for. There’s a Tufty ear here if anyone needs it.

Lots of love to you all,
Tufty
xxx

Happy greetings from the Tuft!

Helloooo!

I just re-read my last post (I was so worried it was dark and horrible, but I’m pleasantly surprised it had a mostly positive message – the way I wanted it to!)

So, I am now working again. I don’t think I’m really allowed to talk about it, due to most companies having social network restrictions, but I am still a Stock Controller, and I work in a supermarket now!

I have spent seven months searching for work, having many of those “stuck under the blanket and kicking” moments, and it was really hard to keep myself positive for opportunities when none ever turned up! (Or they got withdrawn at the last second for some reason or other -.-)

My friend, Tom – he comes over once a week and we hang out, drinking and playing Wii games (side note – drink responsibly; it sounds silly to say, but I dislike talking about drinking as there is a fine line when you drink for fun, to when you drink to cope.)

So, for the last few months, I’ve spent a lot of my time moping over my bad luck, and these weekly gaming sessions have kept my spirits up, as well as Tom’s when he needs it. Just having someone there, non-judgemental, can really help you. Tom came over on Sunday, and told me that I was a lot happier as a person now that I was working again. I didn’t think anything of it, getting annoyed at him for interrupting my ramble and carrying on with it over the top of him, but yesterday – wow.

This weekend, I did a LOT of lifting, a lot of standing, and a lot of squatting as I was stacking shelves the whole day – I literally couldn’t move on Sunday evening/Monday. My muscles had frozen up in protest to this over-exhaustion, and I’m so pleased with myself for not throwing up with the immense pain that was going through my body. I had slowed right down in movement, but I was still working, still moving, still picking up heavy boxes to restock.

I actually had to slide down the stairs on my bum because I couldn’t bend my legs afterwards…

Yesterday, I woke up, nowhere near as sore but feeling a lot better. I did have the frame of mind of “ughhh, work” that we all get. I got to work, walked through the door, and I noticed that I felt happier as soon as I walked in. I was walking proudly (straight back and errrything), I was smiling and laughing and joking with everyone, and I had a successful first shift on my designated department. It was so strange. It was like I had a bolt of electricity shoot through me and wake up the happy me.

I feel brilliant. Newfound independence, remembering how bad I sleep when I worry I might not wake up for work the next day, and meeting new people – all wonderful creatures of many different varieties – this includes the staff.

There’s no end of people ready to help me get the job done, or just to have a friendly chat or joke with, and the getting out and about has always been said to be good.

I am going to sign off this post with a good luck wish to you all.

I hope that you are all happy and well, and if things get bad – luck does change. I hate to admit it, but I didn’t think I would but here I am, the prime example.

As always,
Lots of love,
Tufty
xxx

 

P.S. to anyone who misses my cat updates – she’s still here, still ferocious, and still being annoying in the way that only a cat can; more on her in a future post.

Philosophising?

I won’t promise I’ll keep my blog up to date – let’s face it… I never do!

Either I’m busy with life (I did just get back from Spain eight days ago…) or I’m having such a time of it that nothing is worth posting.

I’ve started writing something; as an extended project, but it’s not blog-worthy.
Other than that, my writing is… limp. Or, non-existent. I’ll let you choose which word is best.

I’ve just been so full up of thoughts lately about how lives work… If I had done something a bit differently (like paid attention in school – learn from me, kids!) where would I be now? If I had chosen a different path, where would I be?
Does it upset me because I could have a better life? (soppy side apart – I couldn’t ever think of my life without Mathew, and this is the only thing that makes me appreciate my choices to date…)

Does it upset me that now I have the hindsight to see where my choices were bad? (Sorry, exes, but a lot of you, if not all, are in this category.)

People will be so quick to tell me off for thinking about what I haven’t got, or what I can’t change – and not to do it. Lately, however, it’s all that’s on my mind.

I have a lot of things that I dislike in my life… But do I regret them? Or have they helped define me and my mentality to this day?

I met a woman in Spain, sat by the pool in the hotel. We chatted on a whole multitude of levels (we’d both had a drink… I’m on holiday, of course my rota is full of pool time and cider!) and she sat there amazed at the fact that I was only 25 with the broad, open mind that I had.

She was even more amazed after this when we chatted a bit about deeper issues, to find out that I’ve been through a lot, and can’t believe I’m so level headed about things. She kept telling me that she had a lot of respect for me.

This is where the philosophising gets worse for me…

Have I been through a lot? Did my childhood impact me so much? Am I really to be respected for just… soldiering on with life?

I don’t think I’ve coped well, I don’t think I’ve done everything I could have done, and I most definitely think my childhood issues have (and still) played a massive part for me.

How can I be this person everyone tells me to be, when my mind is trained on what is now my basic human nature?

Pro tip – don’t ever tell anyone to “just do it” or “just get on with it”, and don’t ever question a depressed person as to why their motivation levels are low. Not only is it just condescending, but you don’t understand what lays under the onion skin of a person. #justsaying

I’m so full of thoughts and all these things in my head, that I’m starting to feel suffocated. Instead of having the resolve I used to have, I’ve become that person who takes your comment and walks away with it tucked under her blanket. It getting deeper and more lost until I finally forget that it’s shaped who I am.

This is the only way I can explain my life. I’m cuddled under a blanket. Sometimes I get hot and I kick the blanket off; but sometimes, it’s too difficult, and instead of kicking the blanket off, the kicking causes me to get stuck deeper and deeper with all those lost comments and makes me become more asphyxiated and smothered the longer I stay there.

I wish I could have a reset button on certain functions of my personality and just get on with things like I used to, but life doesn’t have this option. Life isn’t a blog.

I also wish that the people in my life would respect me enough to talk to me and listen to me – just like the lady by the pool. Either I’m ignored, talked over, or treated like a child, and it’s infuriating that I can’t be myself for fear of people pulling that blanket over my head.

Stars need to shine, and we are all stars.

I hope you are all well.
I love you all.
Tufty
xxx