Hello, hiya, and noswaith dda!
Welcome to the ‘new’ weekly blog of Tufty!
I’m aiming to do a personal blog, mixed with my writing updates, as well as “topic of the week” sort of inclusion. I’m not a stranger to blogging, but if you have a topic or idea to suggest, then by all means let me know!
The weekly time for this blog is Sundays at 6pm, the end of a long week and the beginning of the next one!
My last topic today is about writing, and that portion of my life, but I’ve got some rambling on other issues that I want to address first.
Here’s to new starts…
Everyone knows how new starts can be, nerve-wracking, stressful, exciting, scary, just to name a few!
Whether it’s a new school year, going on to coleg/uni, a new car, a new house/flat, a new job… there are a whole host of new beginnings in everyone’s life, and they all come with different mixtures of uncertainty.
I don’t know how you guys may be with new starts, but I’m normally a wreck. I’m a dolly daydreamer at the best of times, so my mind goes into overload. I think of every scenario, every possibility. I think of the long term as well as the short term, and it is never as I imagine it!
I recently lost my job, and the (
not so) new beginning of the dreaded job hunt was so stressful and fraught with worry and negativity that I become ensconced in a little bubble. Over time; I stopped myself thinking the worst, and tried to reckon with myself that it doesn’t matter.
I started to think more lightly about things which helped with the weight on my shoulders; though it didn’t stop completely. Once the bulk of my worries had slowed down with my ‘forget it all‘ attitude, I had some luck.
I know it’s not easy when you’re that low, and stressed, to keep positive. It’s actually harder to be positive than it is to cope sometimes. I have no idea what my brain was doing to me; but those days I woke up smiling, I felt great. It was the days I woke up irritable and worried that conquered me.
I recently started a new job, and it looks as though my luck has changed entirely. The last two years were a down, down spiral, with every up causing the next down to spike more dramatically than before.
This new beginning is amazing for me, because it has changed me as a person (
or maybe I only just noticed this?) and I am looking forward to the oncoming days with a fervour I have never held before.
So to all those people who have new beginnings,
or are near the end before your new start – I salute you in all those crazy emotions, and support you as much as a crazy Welsh lass can do through the internet.
To the past, and to regrets…
I’m sure we’ve all got something we regret – words, moments, a multitude of occasions and reasons to kick ourselves rotten at missed opportunities, or things that should never have happened.
It’s difficult to take those moments back. Hindsight becomes your own worst enemy as you sit and ponder those lost moments.
It’s hard to move on from this feeling, and it can affect your life as a whole. I’ve had one of those moments – the wishing and tears as I break my heart, hoping to transport myself back to the day I messed up.
Absolutely nothing can take you back to that moment,
and although my friends and family picked me up and pushed me back out into the world with an ‘It’s not so bad!’, I felt as though I couldn’t cope. Taking myself back to the moment I could stop myself, change time and be back to being me.
Nothing compared to this mistake – all those moments in life I tried hard to forget suddenly didn’t compare so much to this one thing. The thing that made me doubt myself, doubt who I am, and unfortunately gave me an identity crisis from which I have recovered.
Time is your best friend in the face of regrets, the past, and mistakes. You may not heal fully, but you can get over it, and move on; no matter how hard and bleak it looks.
You may think I’m being a bit too real for a blog post; but I do have my reasons…
The elephant in the room…
I could talk for hours about mental health and issues, but I’m gonna keep it a bit short and
This week we heard the news of Chester Bennington.
Like many more stars before him, he ended his own time on Earth, way too soon. Just like, Robin Williams, Kurt Cobain, and Simone Battle, to name a few.
Here’s a link to Lighthouse by G.R.L. – the pop group Simone was in before her suicide, but also a song dedicated to the late Simone by her bandmates.
Stephen Fry has been open about his own struggles with mental health; and as time keeps rolling, mental health awareness is getting more and more traction as each day goes.
It’s not just people in the spotlight who suffer from these difficulties. A high number of people you know (
family, friends or colleagues/school friends – maybe even yourself) suffer from some mental health illness. The difficulty lies in how to help them, support them, and how to dust them off in times of trouble to keep them going.
I’ve had my own issues with depression my whole life. Until this February, I had never been truly happy in myself. I can’t pinpoint the journey to the end, but I know I woke up one day, and boom. My depression had gone. I’m just as shocked now as I was then.
I’m still healing, though. 26 years of depression doesn’t just dissipate from the mind. It’s a lot easier in my mind-set now to push away the shadows; to clear those sticky cobwebs of negative thoughts – but not a done deal. In fact, having been depressed for so long has caused me to have my own identity crisis.
I don’t know who I am. What do I like/dislike? What gets on my nerves, or makes me feel good? I thought I had all the answers, and whilst I am beginning to find out who I am, I am learning more about me than I ever did. It’s a scary, but wondrous journey, and I hope this blog helps me share this with you. I’m so lucky to be where I am today, and to feel so blessed to have what I have. My life could be so very different in any number of ways, but I have made it through the thunderstorm to the sunny fields to bloom as a person.
There are so many people out there who can’t see those sunny fields. They hear the thunder, feel the fear, and become stuck in those moments that are defining them –
just as mine did. There are also so, so many people out there who will never get the chance to do this, because they, like many of those high profile characters, have chosen to take their own lives. The only difference is the level of notoriety – these people have been ignored by the world, because they’re not famous or well known. But they still matter. They matter to their own circle of life, friends, and family now having to remember them at high times in life, instead of being able to celebrate with them, and that breaks my heart.
What really winds me up is the idea of suicide being ‘selfish’. Suicide is far from that. The people who kill themselves in any way are so succumbed to dark thoughts and heavy hearts, that they cannot see their worth. They cannot see how much they mean to you. They consider themselves burdens. Problems. Issues that people ‘deal’ with. They honestly and truly believe deep down that they do not matter, that they’re in the way – and they take the only option that their mind tells them to be true. They are so convinced that the only good thing they can do in life is to rid the world of them – that they go through with it.
I’ve been in that dark place, those moments of life or death when I was so honestly convinced that my choice was the right one. I’ve been lucky in my life to have people around me who either stopped me, or made sure I was saved. I’ve been so lucky to get to this point in my life, and get through the other side. I was never strong enough to hold on by myself, but I’ve been so lucky to have people who held me above the water to stop me drowning. To love me, care for me, and keep that extra eye on me when I never knew I needed it.
So all I want to say is – you are loved. It’s so, so hard for you to believe it, but you are.
I love every soul; and if there is any way I can help someone in need, I am here to listen and support. You’re doing great, and you’re going to get further than you can imagine in life. It hurts to hold on, and it does get so difficult to do so – but you can do it. You have that strength inside of you, and you will see it come to fruition one day.
All of my Tufty love, luck and wishes are being posted through these words to you. You are a beautiful soul, a wonderful person, and you can do so much more than you realise right now.
This website is for UK Residents and this one is for US Residents.
You can use these websites and numbers if you, or someone you know needs help, or someone to talk to.
If anyone has any other websites, I will update and make a list – I merely searched “Suicide Prevention” on Google, and the results come up.
Trying to write a coherent sentence…
I started a “Wordsday” about two years ago, and due to that insufferable block in my brain – I haven’t continued, which is a pain in the bum, but I suppose now is the time to tell myself to train and get back in to it.
My block isn’t so much of a writer’s block than a confidence thing. I get so inspired and pick up a pen, and sometimes I ramble about the rain, or fairies, or whatever daydream I conjure up staring out of my bedroom window. Other times, I think “Why bother?” as I pick up a pen. Then other times I am literally just being lazy and think typing is much more efficient for me than handwriting, but oh! Oh no! My PC’s off and ALL the way across the room… I’ll do it later (
And I think we all know that later never comes…).
I want to start my Wordsday again, but I just need that boot up the bum to get me going. I’m hoping with this blog I’ll start to get a routine with deadlines, and I’ll set myself limits for various things, to teach me some discipline. It’s just trying to figure out if I want to restart my Wordsday as a side project for the blog, or whether I should await the success of actually finishing a piece of writing, and see how that goes? It’s such a mind trip.
I’ve got my ‘novel/series’ planned, and while I do refer to The Nine Worlds, I don’t like to give out the details too much, because the plot changes consistently in my mind! I do have it semi under way, and I have a LOT of inconsistencies to sift through to get myself steady on the track of actually writing it, but one day I will be able to bring my daydreams to life. I’ve even challenged myself to do artwork pieces for the idea too,
so that’s gonna be fun!
I have to say that creating my own story, my own worlds and characters has given me this complex of researching various mythologies;
with Greek being a big one in my mind. I google all these different characters and legends, and Google Images brings up some amazing artwork and ideas of personifying these Gods. I’ve dedicated my phone and PC with my favourite pieces, and I’ve actually begun to dream at night about underground Gods wreaking their havoc on me as an unsuspecting explorer. I absolutely love it all, though. It gives me a warm feeling inside as though I’m cuddling a baby animal.
My main inspiration in writing comes from the world around me. The personification of nature is a huge thing for me, and I love twists and coming up with irregular ideas (
well, to me they’re irregular – doesn’t every writer think this of their own work?). The sky is a huge inspiration for my most recent handwritten ramblings.
The main picture on this post was taken Friday, and I love the contrast of the white clouded sky with the dark grey/blue sky in the reflection of the window.
That feeling of oncoming trouble, as the darker clouds threaten to steal the sky.
This second picture was taken last night while staying at a friend’s house. I had noticed the sky was a bit red,
but until I stood up and saw the entirety of the scene, I am ashamed to say I ignored it – but I love the colours of the sky. It makes me think of watercolour artwork of rivers and canals, the playful pinks and omniscient oranges mixing with their reflections in the beautiful blue water below. It sets my heart on fire and gives me such vivid imagery of scenes in The Nine Worlds, or smaller daydreams I have.
So, that is my weekly ramble! I do hope you enjoyed what you read, or that my more serious tone has resonated with you.
(In my head, having ‘resonated’ in italics makes me imagine my words are bouncing around in people’s heads as an echo, and I’m giggling at my stupid humour…)
My Twitter accounts are below; my writing one is not very active, but I am reluctant to delete it at present.
And this is my Instagram,
if anyone is interested in me or my cat.
I plan to keep this blog updated on Sundays at 6pm, so hit the follow button, and I will see you all next week!
Wishing you all love, luck, and kind wishes.
Lots of love,