I won’t promise I’ll keep my blog up to date – let’s face it… I never do!
Either I’m busy with life (I did just get back from Spain eight days ago…) or I’m having such a time of it that nothing is worth posting.
I’ve started writing something; as an extended project, but it’s not blog-worthy.
Other than that, my writing is… limp. Or, non-existent. I’ll let you choose which word is best.
I’ve just been so full up of thoughts lately about how lives work… If I had done something a bit differently (like paid attention in school – learn from me, kids!) where would I be now? If I had chosen a different path, where would I be?
Does it upset me because I could have a better life? (
soppy side apart – I couldn’t ever think of my life without Mathew, and this is the only thing that makes me appreciate my choices to date…)
Does it upset me that now I have the hindsight to see where my choices were bad? (
Sorry, exes, but a lot of you, if not all, are in this category.)
People will be so quick to tell me off for thinking about what I haven’t got, or what I can’t change – and not to do it. Lately, however, it’s all that’s on my mind.
I have a lot of things that I dislike in my life… But do I regret them? Or have they helped define me and my mentality to this day?
I met a woman in Spain, sat by the pool in the hotel. We chatted on a whole multitude of levels (we’d both had a drink… I’m on holiday, of course my rota is full of pool time and cider!) and she sat there amazed at the fact that I was only 25 with the broad, open mind that I had.
She was even more amazed after this when we chatted a bit about deeper issues, to find out that I’ve been through a lot, and can’t believe I’m so level headed about things. She kept telling me that she had a lot of respect for me.
This is where the philosophising gets worse for me…
Have I been through a lot? Did my childhood impact me so much? Am I really to be respected for just… soldiering on with life?
I don’t think I’ve coped well, I don’t think I’ve done everything I could have done, and I most definitely think my childhood issues have (and still) played a massive part for me.
How can I be this person everyone tells me to be, when my mind is trained on what is now my basic human nature?
Pro tip – don’t ever tell anyone to “just do it” or “just get on with it”, and don’t ever question a depressed person as to why their motivation levels are low. Not only is it just condescending, but you don’t understand what lays under the onion skin of a person. #justsaying
I’m so full of thoughts and all these things in my head, that I’m starting to feel suffocated. Instead of having the resolve I used to have, I’ve become that person who takes your comment and walks away with it tucked under her blanket. It getting deeper and more lost until I finally forget that it’s shaped who I am.
This is the only way I can explain my life. I’m cuddled under a blanket. Sometimes I get hot and I kick the blanket off; but sometimes, it’s too difficult, and instead of kicking the blanket off, the kicking causes me to get stuck deeper and deeper with all those lost comments and makes me become more asphyxiated and smothered the longer I stay there.
I wish I could have a reset button on certain functions of my personality and just get on with things like I used to, but life doesn’t have this option. Life isn’t a blog.
I also wish that the people in my life would respect me enough to talk to me and listen to me – just like the lady by the pool. Either I’m ignored, talked over, or treated like a child, and it’s infuriating that I can’t be myself for fear of people pulling that blanket over my head.
Stars need to shine, and we are all stars.
I hope you are all well.
I love you all.